No More Training Wheels for Tara!

By Sara (written Monday, October 5, 2009)

Today Tara asked Papa to take off the training wheels from her bike, and after a few guided tries (with Ajay holding her seat while running behind) she was smiling like the cat's pajamas and riding off into the sunset (well, up and down Kaya Lane)!

The End of An Arduous Journey with Many Happy Moments, by Sara

Dear Friends and Family,

The last posts (over a year ago) from Ajay and me reveal turmoil with a layer of hope. I'm very sad to report that the turmoil only worsened and our mutual hope is gone. Our marriage has apparently been dissolving for a long time, and now steps are being taken to dissolve the legal partnership as well. The kids have been sharing time with us separately since mid-summer.

I can't begin to tell you how sad this is for me. I know that we both still love each other, but I also know that we have not been able to solve problems or deal with new ones productively for too long now. As such, I am sadly confident that there is no other choice left to us than the path currently being trod.

There's not much more to say about it other than that I've transferred my determination from working hard to grow a happy, healthy together family, to facilitating a happy, healthy apart family. I am completely dedicated to learning from what happened to us and growing into a better person because of it. My greatest desire at this moment is that all of us make it through this divorce with grace and appreciation for what we can create now - in clear distinction from the turmoil of the past.

Aside from the confusion and sadness of having their parents decidedly split up (and continued instability in housing) I'd say that Tara, Violet and Satya had an otherwise fabulous summer (as it should be, and somewhat as testament to our mutual focus on keeping the kids out of the middle), and I'd like to move this blog in that direction now...

It seems that summer around here started with Satya's birthday mid-May - one of the first days of the Pacific Northwest's drought of 2009. While I know the bioregion suffered from the lack of rain for the past three months, I have to admit that most of the inhabitants here did not: Thank Goodness it was an absolutely glorious summer here! Lots of time on the beach, overnight and day camps, lots of grandparent time, a few crabs and so far one 5 lb salmon (do you know what an incredibly patient and determined fisherman Satya is?), not to mention hours and hours really growing their friendships at Wise Acres. I'd say that they feel a part of that community now - not just newcomers anymore.

Satya was a stellar baseball player this spring - his second season of Little League. And brave Ajay - a man who knew less about baseball than me - volunteered to be Satya's team Assistant Coach - a golden gift to Satya who just loved having him there. Satya's birthday celebration was at a local baseball field with maybe 25 kids and grownups playing a pick up game with tennis balls. Lemonade, peanuts and peach cobbler kept then in extra innings. It was a relaxed and perfect start to the summer.

And a great diversion from school too.

After a stop-and-go start at a local democratic school this Fall (after learning on the first day of school that they had not gotten into the other program of choice), both Satya and Violet attended our local public school this past year. Now, keep in mind that before this they had experienced Waldorf pre-school and Kindergarten, a year in India, and a year of homeschooling. Traditional school was a brand new thing.

Violet chose it first and loved going. After school at home, Satya saw her learning to read (he literally craned his neck over her homework) and knew that he wanted that too - so he joined 2nd grade. Although he hated riding the bus (noise and distance quickly erased the adventure of it) and homework - Satya did great: he went in barely knowing how to read (Waldorf philosophy downplays early literacy training, encouraging it only when the child is wanting it), he came out reading the 4th Harry Potter book (over 700 pages!). Go Satya! We went to see the movie after that (as promised).

It is a joy to see both Satya and Violet curl up on their beds and read to their hearts content.

And Tara is not far behind. She turned 5 last week ice-skating with a few friends. She began all-day Kindergarten the very next day. It is fatiguing for her, but with care, I think she will make it through, but it will be much different for her than the nurturing, slow-paced Waldorf education that Satya and Violet started out with. She hopes to start gymnastics and violin lessons when schedules allow.

Violet continues to take on life with unbridled zeal. She is often under fire from Satya and Tara, but is navigating a path to independent joy. She loves jump-roping, horses, her kittens, our new dog, new friends, and whatever is served up for dinner. She is practically a registered dolphin and celebrated turning 7 in June with a mermaid party at the local pool. She is ready and waiting for piano lessons and I have a feeling that her stage performing skills will begin to come forward this year as well. She is a talented artist (even if she doesn't see it yet) and from appearances/verbalizations the one most emotionally affected by the breaking up of her family. She misses her room/our home/ our life in Davis. On wistful days, she'd like to go back. (In moving ahead with our joint plans to build a new family home here in WA, Ajay and i sold the home she and her siblings were born in.) On good days, she is thrilled to romp and imagine with her new friends here.

After many years waiting and searching, our new family dog, Lady, finally arrived (sadly, only days after our defining separation). She is a 40 lb cream colored Bouvier/Poodle mix - much like Mawball in appearance - but only half the size (and opposite color and gender). She is fabulous with the kids - couldn't have done better, and not very demanding at all. She's even beginning to get along with our two new kittens, Milo and River. Next goal is socializing appropriately with Indianola's beach dogs... I'll try to find the cord to upload a photo ...

There are still many details to work out, but stay tuned for the Prout and Advani Families, Version 2.0. I will try to revive my past inclinations towards occasional family updates.

In the meantime, I know that each of us will benefit from your good thoughts and prayers:

Please be in touch.

- Sara

Hanging the laundry

D'you know what it's like to peg a bedsheet to the clothesline in a howling wind? Then you know what the last few months have been like for me and Sara.
The sheet is the fabric of our lives. To put the clothespegs in place is to establish the anchors that secure a family, like steady work or a home or even a dog. Our fabric has been flapping freely in the wind for too long. At times I've wondered whether Sara's even helping me hang the wash or making the flapping worse -- as she must have wondered about me.
If we can even put in one clothespin, then we can do the rest in short order, and even go back to adjust the first one.

Knowing this about a life in disorder, I understood right away what Sara meant yesterday...

I said in the morning: "Love, I feel we're turning a corner, things are getting better, getting better between us and in general."
And she said...

From Adventure to Impact: Fostering a Culture of Philanthropy

By Sara

I spent the past week in the company of Bob Geldof, Jane Goodall and 4,000 other inspired fundraisers, humanitarians and philanthropists (at the Association of Fundraising Professionals’ international conference in San Diego). I heard amazing stories about how one turn of events in an individual's life motivated them to become a successful Force for Good. Whether they were 9 or 90 years old at their crucible moment, these folks showed me the quality of light I need to shine. I realized that it is high time for me to take stock, and make a clear plan (or at least an outline) for how I am going to make a real impact on the things I care about.

For most of my life, I've looked for the Utopias out there, the cutting-edge best projects, etc. And along the way, I've done some wonderful things and met hordes of fascinating people. I've categorized myself as a secondary leader - ready to step up if no one else does. But what I'm seeing now is that I'm ready to be a primary leader - ready to make the change, not just find another example of it, be a part of its success, and add it to my internal encyclopedia. It's time for me to start sharing all the gifts that have been passed my way, and to serve in a very meaningful and direct way. It is no longer about the learning adventure: now it's about the impact.

Of course, good parenting is about both the adventure and the impact. And this continues to be my top priority. But if I am going to honor myself and my children, then I need to set the example that I hope they will someday follow.

The primary goal of my last position as development officer for a growing organization was to foster a culture of philanthropy. Over the course of the past 9 months, I realized how critical this goal is, and that it is not a simple achievement. More importantly, if there is any chance of me being successful at that anywhere, it will be due to my own ability to achieve that in my self. It's about concentric circles of influence – about spiraling-UP.

As Ajay and I step into what must be the messiest and trickiest era of our shared life (18 years and counting since meeting in 1990) to date -- raising three young children with or without traditional schooling support (yet to be decided), a drawn-out transition to a new bioregion and community (three rental homes in one year while looking for an architect to design the house we need built tomorrow), and now no apparent income in the short term-- all our organizational and personal flaws are completely exposed. At this juncture, there is no room for failure - and yet it's everywhere. If I/we am/are able to come out of this well, my/our values, goals and actions must be in total alignment with one another. We have a tremendous opportunity here, and we both know it: If we're going to get it together, the time is now.

When I accepted the position of Development Officer, I knew I was choosing to make a career move from "Trail-Maintainer" to "Trail-Blazer." What I didn't know was how big a leap that was at that moment -- and this on top of the transition from Stay-at-home Mom to Chief Bread-Winner. I knew what good trails looked like: I had hiked on many, narrow and wide. I knew that no one had ever trained me how to expertly wield a machete, but hey, it's a machete, not a spaceship - how difficult could it be to cut a path through the jungle? Little did I know.

Well, another thing that I've learned over the years, and particularly in India (and for those of you who don't know, Udaipur is the city on the edge of Kipling's Jungle Book) is that low-tech solutions are deceptively simple in appearance. The skills and experience needed to thatch a roof, for example, are not insignificant. It takes time and practice to make one that works and lasts. And, of course, to do it quickly it takes a master.

Last May, I was looking for a position that could pay me to hone and improve my talents and skills in fundraising. I wanted to learn to do it well, to be a master. However... I accepted a different kind of position. And as fate would have it, that decision has taught me SO MUCH more than I probably could've learned anywhere else at that moment. More than that, it forced me to see at which points of contact my life is thoroughly out of whack.

Fostering a culture of philanthropy needs to start within me: in my life, myself, my family, my friends, my community, my work, my world. My success as a fundraiser over the years has come from the knowledge that there is a plenty of money out there connected to people who want that money to Do Good. And since I know lots of deserving causes, making the connections is obviously a good line of work for me. But "a culture of philanthropy" is so much more. For starters, it means s l o w i n g d o w n to thank the multitudes of YOU out there - friends and family who have supported me and Ajay on our journey to be good humans and raise our children well. For your gifts -in cash, in kind, and in honor of: THANK YOU!!! We are so fortunate to be connected to such a supportive and caring community. The next step is to begin to inform you of the impact your gifts of time, friendship and money have had on our family and our shared world. I know that I don't begin to tell you enough. I’ve been moving at jet-speed, but I value walking. It's time to prove that.

For now, I have two short stories to share about the baby steps I've taken in towards aligning my goals and actions. Both happened in India last year.

The first was Christmas 2006. Ajay, Satya, Violet, Tara and I had been living in Udaipur, Rajasthan. Christmas Eve we hung a star from the ceiling and placed a round market basket on the bare floor beneath it. In the morning, there was a doll-child in the basket surrounded by gifts for all. After the kids had opened all the presents, I called Manju (our live-in Hindi teacher and nanny, who had been respectfully watching their excitement from a distance) to come over and look in the basket.

There, beneath the colorful silks, was a small pouch. I told her it was for her. She was surprised and pleased. She opened it, peeked inside, smiled joyfully, closed it, looked at me, thanked me, excused herself and put it safely away in her room. It was a gold necklace probably worth at least 10 times the monthly wages we'd paid her. It felt so good to give it. We said goodbye to Manju several short weeks later and headed off to South India as a family. I imagine that that necklace became a significant part of the dowry Manju brought to her marriage the following summer. In my keeping, it was bringing me no particular joy. Now, it is a source of continued inspiration for doing more.

The second story took place in Auroville. Some of you know that I did a one-week training in Liquid Flow, a guided above- and below- water therapy technique (kind of like under-water Tai-Chi). That was an amazing class. Earlier that month (before deciding to do the training), Ajay had gifted me the time to experience a session for myself. The practitioner was fabulous, and I had swirling, mermaid visions of pure joy and boundless possibility. That makes sense for a water lover like me. At the end of my training several weeks later, I offered a session to Sunny, the talented, dedicated, and inspired Korean Mom we were sharing a house with. The closing position in this session is often likened to a mother cradling a child in their arms. When we were done, Sunny was crying, and she thanked me open-heartedly. For the first time, I felt that I had actually given someone a real gift that had come directly from me. It was a transference of respect, love and possibility. This was a turning point for me.

These simple experiences were incredibly empowering. I realized that I actually had something to give 1) of value and 2) of myself. Of course everyone who volunteers and donates time and or money knows this joy. But somehow it had not hit home for me.

Last night, Ajay and I began a values clarification process. What do we care about and how are we affecting change in those realms? Where do we give our time? Where do we give our money? Where can we do both and benefit on other levels, e.g. expose our children to Forces for Good?

The top of my current list looks like this:

1) Raising Good Humans named Satya, Violet and Tara - One resource worth more of my time and attention: Child Honouring, founded by Raffi Cavoukian, singer, author, ecology and children's advocate.

2) Spreading the Joy of Home Birth Options - A recent documentary by the unexpected advocate Ricky Lake, The Business of Being Born should be viewed by every prospective American mother and father (and the rest of us too!).

3) The Continued Pursuit of a Just Food System on multiple levels - neighborhood, national and global. - In the US, the Community Food Security Coalition is doing work in DC and on the ground to make this happen.

4) And I suppose I'd really like to do more water-therapy training. There are many versions - Watsu, WaterDance, Dolphin Dance.... etc. A beautiful art that I encourage you to experience! See your local hot springs for details...;-)

Thanks for tuning in. - Sara

Sara's long-awaited blog entry!!!

Hello.

Sara's long-awaited blog entry? Well, this is not it.

Will Sara ever blog again? Perhaps if you join me in gently encouraging her. Or in shamelessly bugging her to blog. However you prefer.

-- Ajay

the long run

In this land of plenty we have 17 types of salsa on the supermarket shelf. And our family has seven schooling/unschooling/freeschooling options to pick from. Literally. On certain days I feel caught between a rock and a hard place in this schooling culture (virtually all the other kids trucked to confinement zones at the edge of Indianola or beyond) and wonder if it's just a question of time before I throw in the towel and start packing them a bag lunch in the mornings and take a day job.

Here's a different sort of story. On Friday morning we were down on the shore and Satya suggested we go canoeing, right along the shore. Kids walked home for paddles, lifejackets, net. I put canoe in water. While loading up I find out he said 'right along the shore' because they think to go without Papa, and staying close to shore is their version of danger mitigation. No way, I say, no way is Tara going if i'm not. So we all get in, with Satya and Violet paddling in the stern and bow, with me and Tara as passengers in the middle. Until this time, I've paddled in the stern with Satya in the bow. After a rough start and few minutes of difficulty handling the boat, and significant frustration (cranky whining?) on Satya's part, i've done all i can (and failed) to encourage the two paddlers to cooperate. Tara and I opt out. I grouchily paddle us to shore and, with Tara, I climb out: "If you go too far out and drift to Tacoma, there's nothing i can do to help you." Five minutes later Satya and Violet have figured out how to manage the boat, and are paddling between the dock piers catching crabs in the net. Nice lunch, and, for me, a nice lesson in getting out of the way. Chalk one up for unschooling.

Seven options. What should their upbringing look like? Gourmet or fair-trade? Mild or spicy? Imported? Organic? Homemade?

posted by Ajay

By the way, do you agree or disagree?: The #1 reason most kids are in school is to allow adults (other than those working in schools) to get on with their work. In other words segregation/containment, not education.

It's in writing

A prayer of gratitude. My blessings are many.

At the moment the house is a mess and i'm taking a couple of hours to myself while the others sleep. Tiime to myself often = tidying, doing dishes, dealing with paperwork, but now i sit to write. I went to bed early this night, with the kids, feeling tired and under the weather after a non-stop series of days.

Last Thursday Sara's mom and aunt returned here after several days exploring the Olympic Mtns. and Victoria BC. On Friday Sally, Barbara, the kids and I went to the fish hatchery up the road with our new friends Spencer, Camas (age 5) and Asha (2). The hatchery operation was in full swing, the crew netting, knocking out, and taking eggs and milt from the Chinook salmon. The magic of the salmon's natural life cycle was knotted together with human enterprise in this fishery management effort run by the Suquamish tribe. Insert here your own musings on wildness, native heritage, and humanity's surge.

After the hatchery we went up to visit Judith's kitchen, where the kids had started making ice cream on Thursday. The Weinstocks, Judith and David, live in the residential community of 9 households called wise acres that we've been looking to join since moving up here this spring. Since then Sara and I have been attending wise acres meetings and participating in the community dinner rotation. Over this weekend we took part in a wiseacres retreat at a boy scout camp an hour from here. There we got to know the group better and feel even more comfortable with our decision to join the community. Satya and Violet, growing in independence, went to the retreat Friday evening with the Weinstocks, and Sally, Barb, Tara, Sara and I followed along on Saturday morning.
Anyway, on Friday afternoon at Judith and David's place we met my friend Mackall and little ones Arlo and Hector. In little ways, I have started tilling the rich loam of unschooling here with Mackall and others. During the ice cream churning and the peanut-butter-sandwich-eating, Mom and Aunt Barbara got to see the place for sale next door and I was able to do a little paperwork on the sly.

Back at home, helped Violet and Tara get to sleep and hurriedly packed up Satya and Violet's things for the retreat, then got cleaned up and out the door for my date. From Sara's office, we walked to the ferry dock and rode across to Seattle, and then by pedi-cab (more $ than a taxi, we found at the end that it's priced as a "novelty") a hotel for the Social Justice Fund's annual dinner, where BGI hosted a table. Hearing Amy Goodman's talk may have made it worth the 1 am bedtime, but i'm still tired.

Fast-forward to Monday: fruit shakes and pancakes for all, and gave mom and barb a good sendoff. Satya, Tara and I took Violet to her first day of kindergarten, in the program run by the school district for homeschooling families. She'll be going one day a week, from 10 to 3, including swimming, visual art, and soccer. She'd been looking forward to this day for weeks or months, or maybe since Satya started KG at the Davis Waldorf School two years ago. She got a nice hug and kiss from her sibs to take with her into class.

Sounds funny. Are the Advanis going to school or are they not? I'd be reluctant to enroll Violet in a five-day-a-week school. But I suspect that the Great Gifts That School Offers, which homeschooling naysayers continually tout, can be Received, to a large degree, without consigning a young life to full-time institutionalization. And so i'm grateful that a program like this exists.

After leaving Violet at her class, the three of us delivered the real estate purchase contract (signed queitly on Friday) to the title company. We look forward to a closing date of November 15. Having the deal in place, i feel yet more settled.

So after errands, dropoffs, pickups, chaperoning fishing, community dinner, etcetera, i was happy to be asleep before 9 pm. Now i'll try to catch a few more winks before the others wake up.

by Ajay

Here's a snap of us from last December. Satya is now age 7, Violet 5, and Tara 3.